Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Pagan Ejaculations

No, no, no, get your head out of the gutter!

Ejaculations, for those not familiar with unfortunately named practices of Catholicism, are short prayers that are repeated throughout the day.  You can think of them as being like coins dropped in a swear jar, because you get bonus points with Big Y for saying them.

Examples of ejaculations would be "Jesus Christ, Shepherd of Judea!" or "Oh Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner" or "Hail Holy Queen!"  It's fun, especially since they are often uttered in times of annoyance and in practice are used in place of other choice words not usually used in polite society.  So whenever someone, especially a Southern Catholic Lady says "Jesus Christ, Shepherd of Judea!" she's really saying Fuck.  A lot.

So if you are utterly stressed because your mother in law is criticizing your housekeeping skills and the cat just relieved herself in the soup, you can say "Jesus Christ, Have Mercy!"  And not only will you feel better, but you get credit for time served on your Purgatory score-card.  Do not pass Limbo, do not go straight to Malebolge!  However, as my Parish Priest has informed me on more than one occasion, saying "Jesus H Fucking Christ, Goddamn it all to Hell Twice!" does not count. 

How would this work for Pagans?  Granted, we don't go in for that hell/redemption/fear of the lord stuff but...I think it could be interesting.

If your mind is going where my mind is going, this can get R rated pretty quickly, especially if you worship gods commonly depicted with an erect phallus, horns, generous cleavage, or a real love for swinging parties.

As it stands, I'm voting for Great Baphomet's Cock, which art awesome in all the worlds! as my personal favorite.

Chime in with yours!






10 comments:

  1. This is too fantastic for words.

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  2. Strangely enough, my cursing tends to be Christianized.

    Probably because I'm pretty sure if I say your "Great Baphomet's Cock" in a moment of high tension, the Baphster will show up to join the fun. And totally take out a dozen Good Christian Ladies that happen to be standing too close.

    I've got a couple of 'ejaculations' that are so offensive I can't buleeve I'm going to immortalize them in print, but here goes:

    "Jesus H. Particular Christ and his black brother Rastus"

    And one I learned from Evn: "Jesus' dick, Phil!"

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  3. "Great good gods!" gets a lot of airplay in my vocab. "Brigit's nightgown!" is nice for color, too. :)

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  4. A few of my own personal favorites...

    "What in the name of Pan's Prodigious Pecker is going on around here?!"

    "Sweet Tits of Aphrodite!"

    "Sweet Tits of Medusa!" (I know not a Goddess, but it has a nice juxtaposition... at least to my own warped imagination)

    "Heck and Hecate!"

    "Mother Bless it All!" (used most effectively in place of the F-bomb... and it has enough of a generic quality that it won't totally out one in mixed company)

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  5. My curses are rather Christianized as well, for some reason. My preeminent swear is "Holy Jesus Mother of FUCK" (if you head me say it, you'd hear the capslock in there). In slightly lesser situations, it gets abbreviated to a simple "Jesus Fuck!"

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  6. I have to say, I tend to be Christianized in my curses, and/or use the f-word...

    "Jesus H. Christ on rollerskates!"

    "Jiminy fucking Crickets!"

    "Mary Mother of CHEESES!"

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  7. I am one who uses, "Oh, holy SHIT" quite a bit. If not that then I tend to layer my cursing one upon the other. For example, a favorite is, "mother cock-sucking fucker damn"

    You have just gained a follower.

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  8. This has been a super fun thread! Hooray!

    Welcome Rachel! Glad to have you. :)

    BB

    ~ V

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  9. Fracken awesome!!! This thread cracks me up!

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  10. I choked on my hot cocoa reading these... :D Anyway, my cursing is likewise Christianized, and my standard swear (at least at stupid people on the road) is, "Jesus-bloody-fucking-Christ-what-the-frackety-fuck-are-you-doing, you mother-fucking COW." Otherwise it's typically shorted to "Jesus-bloody-fucking-Christ." I think I'll consider adding some of the ones I see here to my repertoire, haha. :D

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