Showing posts from June, 2015

I might need to switch to decaf

My coworkers and I share a communal kitchen. There aren't enough lockers for everyone to have one, so I make use of a shared cabinet to store my coffee supplies. I don't mind if people use this stuff - sweet Caffeina knows that I understand someone needing a caffeine fix - but I seem to be the only person willing to buy things for everyone to use.

It's infuriating as hell to be in dire need of coffee only to find your coffee canister has been emptied and put back in the cabinet or that your box of sugar is empty but still in the motherfucking cabinet.

After carefully labeling all of my new boxes I rattled off a little rhyme, just like a fucking Charmed One, to counter further theft.

Just a bit of lighthearted fun, really. If any of my coworkers turn up bald, I'm going to start rhyming about the lottery next. 

Nekkid In Your Rites

"Naked is when you ain't got no clothes on. Nekkid is when you ain't got no clothes on and you're up to something." - Lewis Grizzard, from the episode Oh, Brotherof Designing Women

Live Nude (Fat) Witch!

I'm fat.

I have always been fat.

I have had someone comment on my body, appearance, weight, face, and voice at least once daily for thirty years.

Sometimes it was complimentary-ish:

"Oh, look at those cheeks, I just want to pinch them!"
"Oh what a handsome face you have!"
"When you get older and start playing football, you'll lose the baby fat and be a real lady killer."
"You're just a big old teddy bear!"

Most of the time, not so much. School was a nightmare, as it was for most of us, but I heard the worst of it at home.

I was being given Slim Fast at 3. Name a diet pill, I've been on it. Think of all the weight-loss gimmicks you've seen on an infomercial. Did all that too. The line was drawn at weight loss surgery, which oddly enough, would probably have been the most effective choice.

There is a certain acceptance of fat men's bodies so long as they are hyper masculine in every other way. Play football, do sports, get …